A Little Heartache with a Big Ole Side of Thankfulness

In my recent posts I have talked a lot about the rice mill project for my village. I wrote about my excitement for its implementation and the source of income it would be for a couple of workers within the village. This last stay out at site was almost eight weeks long. In that time I was able to do a lot of work with my counterpart and finalize a lot of plans for the project. Everything was set for me to return to the city, meet with my Program Manager, and send the project proposal to D.C. to begin searching for money. I felt really good about the work we had done and I was so pumped to be fulfilling what I see as Peace Corps "work."

A week or so before I was schedule to leave for the city, my little project was squished. The government sent Malobi a rice mill. I watched it being carried up from the river, and cried to my neighbor. My counterpart never told me it was coming. I was so disappointed and upset with the way he handled the situation and the way he did not work with me. My friends and neighbors were upset to see me upset. They did not know that my counterpart had left me out of the loop. I cried more. My neighbors did their best to console me and stop me from crying. I eventually was able to talk to them and tell them that I was not mad the village was given a rice mill. I told them I was upset because so many of them do not understand my role in project work. I told them it was hard to be left out of village news when I left everything and everyone I love in America to move here to work with them. I reminded them that I did those things because of what's inside my heart and not because I am being paid a lot of money. I do not know if they took to heart everything I said or if they believe me, but they saw my tears and saw how hurt I was.

At the end of the day, the situation died down. A group of village leaders met with me and told me how thankful they are that I am here. They apologized countless times and told me that I had every right to be upset. I told them again that I was happy for the village and happy that they had a rice mill, but upset at the way my counterpart handled the situation. They seemed to understand.

I didn't want to write this post. I feel a little bit embarrassed. I know that not everyone back home can understand why I am here helping people that don't understand my role in the community. I know that a lot of folks may question why someone would join the Peace Corps in the first place. I know that when projects like mine get squished it's harder to explain my decisions to those folks, and honestly sometimes to myself.

The past couple of weeks I have been in the city for Mid-Serivice Training and medical checkups. I am all healthy and have had a blast spending time with my group all together. I have had time to step away from village life and really refresh my brain and spirit as to why I choose every single day to be here. I took a minute and put myself into the position of my village. I count my life as extremely blessed, but even so, I often have a really hard time believing that even more good is yet to come. I do not believe that my village had a lack of faith in our project. I do not believe they ever doubted that we would find the money for the mill. I do believe that, like me, they had a hard time looking ahead to the good that was to come. Someone offered them a rice mill, and they had to take it. Who am I to tell them to wait? There was a rice mill sitting in front of them. The only thing I could have offered them on that very same day was a promise that one would eventually come.  When you live the life Saammaka folks live, I don't know how much a promise stacks up to the real deal. I think there are days when we can all understand their choice.

During our SUR 17 reconnect conference we spent time reflecting on this last year of service. We did an exercise in which we stood under different emotions, feelings, and thoughts. During the first round we stood under the feeling in which we can most relate to at this point, and in the second round we stood under the one that was furthest away from how we felt. Round One: I stood under the piece of paper that read, "I can see the impact of my presence here..." I was standing alone, and I think (and after sharing my thoughts with people it's been confirmed) a lot of folks read that as the actual physical impact they are making in their villages and how their villagers view their work. I did not read it that way. I read the statement more personal than that. I stood in that spot because I can see and feel the impact of my presence here every single day in that I am more understanding and patient in the realm of development. If I have a future in development work, I will be better at that job because I have experienced it first hand. I have felt the frustrations and have dealt with the stresses. I understand how to implement projects in my area because I understand the language and local politics. Going forward, I know that Peace Corps and Suriname gave me that perspective. I see the impact of my presence here in that a lot of folks back home read and keep up with my blog and now know about this tiny South American country. I see the impact of my being here in the photographs of my parents hugging my villagers and traveling through the rainforest. Round Two: I stood under the piece of paper that read, "I am ready to go home." I was not alone standing there, and I stood there because I'm just not. When it is my time to go, I will go and I will go willingly. However, that time is not yet and I am thankful for that. As ready as I think I am going to be, I know it will be hard. This experience and the people I live with have changed my life, and although I still struggle to show it all the time, they have made my heart a more welcoming place. I'm not done with this place. This place is not yet done with me. I am comforted by that thought, even on the hard days. I am so thankful for the Peace Corps and for my fellow Volunteers in Suriname and around the globe. I truly, truly believe in the spirit of the Peace Corps and all that it stands for. I know that the world would be a better place and that the world of development would benefit immensely if more people would take twenty-seven months to do what we're doing.

Everyone needs a break though, right? Right. I am coming to the States next Thursday. I am already completely blown away and overwhelmed at all the people who want to see me. I wouldn't be surprised if you could all see my smile from where you're sitting. I am beyond excited. I am ready for fellowship and laughs with great friends and family members. I am ready to come back to Suriname refreshed and ready to tackle my projects coming up. I'm ready to begin finishing this thing out strong. Thanks to everyone for keeping up with my life thus far. Thanks to those of you that pray for me all the time. I feel the love every single day.