A Little Heartache with a Big Ole Side of Thankfulness

In my recent posts I have talked a lot about the rice mill project for my village. I wrote about my excitement for its implementation and the source of income it would be for a couple of workers within the village. This last stay out at site was almost eight weeks long. In that time I was able to do a lot of work with my counterpart and finalize a lot of plans for the project. Everything was set for me to return to the city, meet with my Program Manager, and send the project proposal to D.C. to begin searching for money. I felt really good about the work we had done and I was so pumped to be fulfilling what I see as Peace Corps "work."

A week or so before I was schedule to leave for the city, my little project was squished. The government sent Malobi a rice mill. I watched it being carried up from the river, and cried to my neighbor. My counterpart never told me it was coming. I was so disappointed and upset with the way he handled the situation and the way he did not work with me. My friends and neighbors were upset to see me upset. They did not know that my counterpart had left me out of the loop. I cried more. My neighbors did their best to console me and stop me from crying. I eventually was able to talk to them and tell them that I was not mad the village was given a rice mill. I told them I was upset because so many of them do not understand my role in project work. I told them it was hard to be left out of village news when I left everything and everyone I love in America to move here to work with them. I reminded them that I did those things because of what's inside my heart and not because I am being paid a lot of money. I do not know if they took to heart everything I said or if they believe me, but they saw my tears and saw how hurt I was.

At the end of the day, the situation died down. A group of village leaders met with me and told me how thankful they are that I am here. They apologized countless times and told me that I had every right to be upset. I told them again that I was happy for the village and happy that they had a rice mill, but upset at the way my counterpart handled the situation. They seemed to understand.

I didn't want to write this post. I feel a little bit embarrassed. I know that not everyone back home can understand why I am here helping people that don't understand my role in the community. I know that a lot of folks may question why someone would join the Peace Corps in the first place. I know that when projects like mine get squished it's harder to explain my decisions to those folks, and honestly sometimes to myself.

The past couple of weeks I have been in the city for Mid-Serivice Training and medical checkups. I am all healthy and have had a blast spending time with my group all together. I have had time to step away from village life and really refresh my brain and spirit as to why I choose every single day to be here. I took a minute and put myself into the position of my village. I count my life as extremely blessed, but even so, I often have a really hard time believing that even more good is yet to come. I do not believe that my village had a lack of faith in our project. I do not believe they ever doubted that we would find the money for the mill. I do believe that, like me, they had a hard time looking ahead to the good that was to come. Someone offered them a rice mill, and they had to take it. Who am I to tell them to wait? There was a rice mill sitting in front of them. The only thing I could have offered them on that very same day was a promise that one would eventually come.  When you live the life Saammaka folks live, I don't know how much a promise stacks up to the real deal. I think there are days when we can all understand their choice.

During our SUR 17 reconnect conference we spent time reflecting on this last year of service. We did an exercise in which we stood under different emotions, feelings, and thoughts. During the first round we stood under the feeling in which we can most relate to at this point, and in the second round we stood under the one that was furthest away from how we felt. Round One: I stood under the piece of paper that read, "I can see the impact of my presence here..." I was standing alone, and I think (and after sharing my thoughts with people it's been confirmed) a lot of folks read that as the actual physical impact they are making in their villages and how their villagers view their work. I did not read it that way. I read the statement more personal than that. I stood in that spot because I can see and feel the impact of my presence here every single day in that I am more understanding and patient in the realm of development. If I have a future in development work, I will be better at that job because I have experienced it first hand. I have felt the frustrations and have dealt with the stresses. I understand how to implement projects in my area because I understand the language and local politics. Going forward, I know that Peace Corps and Suriname gave me that perspective. I see the impact of my presence here in that a lot of folks back home read and keep up with my blog and now know about this tiny South American country. I see the impact of my being here in the photographs of my parents hugging my villagers and traveling through the rainforest. Round Two: I stood under the piece of paper that read, "I am ready to go home." I was not alone standing there, and I stood there because I'm just not. When it is my time to go, I will go and I will go willingly. However, that time is not yet and I am thankful for that. As ready as I think I am going to be, I know it will be hard. This experience and the people I live with have changed my life, and although I still struggle to show it all the time, they have made my heart a more welcoming place. I'm not done with this place. This place is not yet done with me. I am comforted by that thought, even on the hard days. I am so thankful for the Peace Corps and for my fellow Volunteers in Suriname and around the globe. I truly, truly believe in the spirit of the Peace Corps and all that it stands for. I know that the world would be a better place and that the world of development would benefit immensely if more people would take twenty-seven months to do what we're doing.

Everyone needs a break though, right? Right. I am coming to the States next Thursday. I am already completely blown away and overwhelmed at all the people who want to see me. I wouldn't be surprised if you could all see my smile from where you're sitting. I am beyond excited. I am ready for fellowship and laughs with great friends and family members. I am ready to come back to Suriname refreshed and ready to tackle my projects coming up. I'm ready to begin finishing this thing out strong. Thanks to everyone for keeping up with my life thus far. Thanks to those of you that pray for me all the time. I feel the love every single day.

Vacation is Over

Last week I was here. Yeah, it was hard to leave. 

My trip to Curacao was everything I needed it to be. Jamie and I stayed at a resort on the beach, and we rarely left. We went into Willemstad twice to walk around and go to Starbucks. Lovely. The majority of my time was spent between lying in my comfy hotel bed and lying in a lounge chair by the pool or on the beach. I worked out at the hotel gym and took a couple of hot baths! Yep, baths. Hot showers are such a treat, but a bath, now that's wonderful. We ate lunch by the pool and ordered room service almost every night. One of the biggest highlights of the entire trip for me was watching Today and Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. We watched the Olympic Opening Ceremony, and I was able to see my boyfriend, Ryan Lochte win the first gold medal of the Games. What a wonderful vacation. 

I know what you're probably thinking. You're thinking that I didn't take much of a vacation. Fifteen months ago I would have agreed with you. I believed that if you were going to invest the time and money to take a trip, you needed to see and do everything you could to experience your destination. Not now. I understand the needs for vacation are different for people and their circumstances. My life is adventurous every single day at this point. I did not need adventure on vacation. It really was such a treat to be in an air conditioned room, to sleep in a comfortable bed, and to watch TV. Oh, and while I was doing all of these things, no one cared. No one was knocking on my door wondering why I shut it and if I was sick. No one was calling my name repeatedly even though I was going to the bathroom and trying to ignore them. When I slept until ten o'clock a.m., I didn't have to have a conversation with anyone about the things I don't have to do and why my life is different because I don't have a husband and kids in the village. Yeah uh huh, it was a vacation. 

I would have loved to stay in Curacao, consuming my calories in the forms of cheeseburgers and margaritas (frozen with salt), but my bank account would not allow it. I also have some work to do here. I will return to life in the jungle with a darker, more even tan. I will take with me the memories of a relaxing and wonderful trip; also, I have been reminded that Jimmy Fallon is still the most precious man ever.  

I wanted to feel refreshed and ready to return to Peace Corps life. Instead, I was spoiled. Maybe that's just the way it's going to be for me. Lots of folks say they look forward to returning after being away, not me, at least not completely. I may not ever feel refreshed and completely jazzed to go back to the jungle after time away. It's hard to make the adjustment. I am thankful all the time for my current situation and my role in the world, but that doesn't mean it's not hard. There are moments of wonderful and moments of wondering how I could be anywhere else, but sometimes it's hard to get to those moments. Regardless, this is where I have been called and this is where I want to be for now. I know I'll miss the experience when it's over.

I am going back to site tomorrow. I am planning to be there for about seven weeks. I, along with my community, have a lot of work to do for our rice mill project. Seven weeks seems like a long time to be out at site after the vacation I've had, but it is time much needed to get a lot of good work done. I will come back to the city in September for Mid-Service training and medical check-ups. I cannot believe I am on the downward slope of my time in Peace Corps. That fact evokes sadness and thankfulness depending on what child I'm hugging or what frustrating community partner I am trying to work with. 


On a different note, I hate that I am going to miss the rest of the Olympics. I really should have planned the whole Peace Corps timeline thing better. Whatever. Go USA. Go World. I love you, Ryan Lochte. 


Oh, and I'm coming to America October 18. Containing my excitement for the next couple of months could be the hardest thing I've had to do so far. Cracker Barrel, I'm coming for you. 

Projects and Changes

I have been in the city for a couple of weeks. The big reason I came in was to get the ball rolling for the rice mill project in my village. The village is excited about the arrival of the rice mill, and I am excited about the potential to generate income in the village. As with any project in most developing areas, things take time. Lots and lots of time. This I know, so I am preparing myself mentally for the upcoming work my villagers and I have to do. Actually, I think that I've been being prepared for this work for the past twelve months. 


Since my last lengthy post, and since my parents came to visit, life in Suriname has been busy. And I am so thankful. In the last two months we held three leadership camps for students, one for boys and two for girls. The curriculums and strategies were the same as the previous camps. It was such a joy to come to know the kids that were able to attend. It is such a neat experience to see them come out of their shells and make new friends from different villages. The students learned so much. I truly believe they are among the generation that is going to move their villages and Suriname forward. I am honored to be a part of an experience that I know changed their lives. I am grateful and humbled because of how much they changed mine. 


After the last Camp GLOW, a fellow volunteer came to visit my site. Jessica is in a Saramaccan site as well, but she lives much closer to the city. I am so glad she came upriver for a couple of days to see where I live. Getting back to site and opening the door to my house is always a crap shoot. I just never know what I'm opening it to find. So far, I have been very lucky. When Jessica and I returned to my house after camp, I had a dead rat in my floor. Fine. I have had to deal with a few dead rats since I moved to site, no big deal. This one was different. Templeton looked as though he had been attacked. There was a stain on my floor a few inches behind the rat and there was hair scattered around it. Not knowing what would attack a rat and leave it, but concerned as to what else might be in my house, I called a neighbor over and asked her what she thought happened. She informed me that everything was fine. The rat died and stuck to my floor. After a couple of days, the maggots probably moved it. It was disgusting. I threw the rat away and scrubbed my floor with bleach. I couldn't get all of the stain removed. Lesson learned. I will no longer leave rat poison out when I am going to be away. It's fine if the rats run around my house while I'm not in it. They're just so darn loud and disturb my sleep when I am home. Sometimes I cannot believe that I can totally believe the things I say and do.  Peace Corps problems. 

In the past couple of weeks I had to say goodbye to lots of the friends I have made since being in Suriname. The SUR 16s have completed their service, and it's their time to go. Giving hugs and saying goodbyes was not the easiest thing, but I am so excited for them and their lives back in America. I am comforted that they finished out their service happy with their experience, and I am so proud of their accomplishments. This is a tough gig, and it takes certain folks to do the job and make it through. I am so happy I was able to share a year of my service with them. 

At the most recent camp, I said goodbye to my closest volunteer neighbor, Shannon. I was fine letting her go. We'll both be in America one day. The hard part was watching her play with a child from her village minutes before she got on that dugout canoe for the last time. I lost it. I could not stop thinking about my kids in Malobi. I cannot imagine hugging them for the last time. If I think about it for more than ten seconds, I cry. I only have one year to go, and then I'll leave too. Sure, maybe I'll come back in ten years, but I'll come back to different people. My kids will not be kids anymore. They'll be teenagers with interests far beyond looking at books in my floor. I know it has to happen, but sometimes I hate it. 

Tomorrow I am going to celebrate the Fourth a couple days late at the Ambassador's house. Monday I am going back to site for just a week. I have to be back in the city for meetings on the 18th and 19th. On the 22nd I am leaving for a week-long, island vacation. I cannot wait. It's going to be great! When I return I am headed back to site until mid-September. I have to say, as hard as it can be most days, I am really looking forward to being at site for a while. I have been busy and away a lot in the last few months. It will be good to get back to village routine. I also have some life skills and HIV/AIDS lessons that I am hoping to get the teachers on board with and implement with the fifth and sixth grade classes. I am excited about upcoming projects and feel really good about where my Peace Corps service is, both for myself and my village. 

We Started a Dance Party in Suriname.

July 1st is a holiday in Suriname to celebrate the abolition of slavery. The day is called Keti Koti. Keti Koti means "cutting the chains." Sunday night a few of the PCVs in the city went downtown to take in the sites and help the locals celebrate. We spent a couple of hours hanging out at a park by the river and soaking up the fun. As the rest of our group decided the night was over for them, five of us stood on the side of a street, by a stage trying to figure out our next move. A crew was breaking down the stage after a band finished their show, and the crowds were moving away. The five of us stood around randomly dancing to the music, talking about where we should go next. As the music got better we started dancing more. The next thing we knew there were school kids standing around watching us. (We really do give the locals so much to talk about). At our encouragement, some of them joined us in our dancing circle.

Fast forward an hour or so and the street around us was packed. I think by the time we left there were close to 300 people dancing and loving their lives. It was so cool. The folks breaking down the stage even started up a fog machine! I could not believe how packed and loud and crazy it became. We started a dance party in another country. It's true.


A guy was taking pictures and told us we could find them on his Facebook page. Take a look.

370.

That's how many days I have been in Suriname. That's how many days it's been since I saw America and most of the people and places I love.

A couple of days ago I celebrated my one year in Suriname with Jamie, McDonald's, and the flu. Yep, she and I both had something awful. After fighting fevers and sleeping the day away, we took a cab to McDonald's. The driver ever so graciously let us order in the drive-thru. My burger wasn't ready with the rest of the order, so we had to park and wait. The driver then asked us what kind of music we liked and changed his cd accordingly. We bought him a coke. This was one of those many moments in the past year in which I have found myself laughing and shaking my head at the situations I find myself in. My life has been nothing short of humorous this past year.

There have been lots of moments when I wondered how I was going to make it to this point. I no longer have to wonder about that. I am here. I cannot believe it's gone by as fast as it has. I feel like I have so much left to do in my Peace Corps service, and now I only have half the time to do it.

It feels good to be at this point. I am proud of myself. I am proud of my group and the friends I have made. I am thankful for my village and the patience they exercise with their white girl. Life is good.

Thank you to most of the misfits in this picture for being my friend, and for the work they do everyday. I am happy we're here to support each other. It's been a good year, SUR 17. 

And Then They Were Gone

I talked to my mom for a while a couple of nights ago. She and my dad are back in America and back to the lives they left ten days before. I really think they had a great time. I could not be more grateful for the time, money, and toughness they invested in the trip. It is comforting to know that I now have folks back home that are able to relate, on some level, to what I am experiencing here.

I was in the city for a few days before my parents arrived. All of the Volunteers were in for a conference and trainings. I love when everyone is in the city and I am able to see friends that I don't live close to and don't see as often as I would like. This training was especially great because my friend and fellow Volunteer, Elliott, had two friends from home show up and surprise him at the end of one of our sessions. A few of us kept the secret for the week. Elliott had no idea! We all knew when they were going to come in and surprise him, so obviously we were so excited all day to see the look on his face. A few minutes before they made their debut, I looked at Elliott and started crying. I hid my face behind my pen and paper so he wouldn't see me. His friends walked in, I gasped, and cried even harder. The look on his face was priceless. He could not believe it. I walked over to introduce myself through my tears. Elliott looked at me and laughed. He hugged me and asked why I was crying. I told him that I knew his friends were coming, and that seeing them here and with him was real and so exciting. The next day I was going to see my parents and they would really be in Suriname too. I cried for a while. 

The week ended with Peace Corps Suriname hosting a swanky gala for friends of PC in Suriname, as well as members of different development organizations. Peace Corps Suriname is closing after my group completes our service. The gala was a really neat way to showcase all of the projects Volunteers in Suriname are doing and have done. It was also a time for the Volunteers to network with other organizations in hopes that some of our projects will continue after our departure. Not only was the gala a great showcase and networking event, it was also a night for all of the Volunteers to get dressed up and look really nice. Those nights are few and far between, and I could not wait to put on a dress and heels. Seriously. 

I left the gala a few minutes early to catch the airport shuttle to pick up my parents. After the hour long ride to the airport (and freezing in the shuttle because the air conditioning was so cold) I arrived to sit and wait for them to walk outside. I waited for close to two hours. They finally walked outside and I hugged my parents for the first time in almost eleven months. Whoa. I cannot recall ever being hugged that tightly. I thought I was going to cry and not be able to stop. I didn't. I must have gotten all of that out of my system the day before with Elliott and his friends. We hopped on the shuttle and we were off. 

Our shuttle made a couple of stops at local residences, so Keith and Beth got a late night tour of the city. No doubt the tour would have been a lot more enjoyable had it not been one o'clock in the morning. We finally made our way back to the hotel, where I took my second hot shower of the day, and went to bed. 

My last post ended with the three of us preparing to go to my site, so I'll pick up there. Our wagi (van/bus) picked us up at the Peace Corps office about an hour later than the driver said he would. When he finally arrived and my mom looked at the number of people already inside, she was perplexed as to how all of us along with all of our stuff were going to fit in the same vehicle. I smiled and told her to trust that we would. We did, and after about an hour of waiting on the other group of people in our wagi to finish their grocery shopping, we were on our way. Our wagi ride ended a few hours later. After the wagi comes the boat. After about a two and half hour boat ride, complete with rapids and baby ducks jumping out of a box, we arrived. I always have to take a deep breath before getting off the boat. Regardless of how many times I've done it, it's always overwhelming. This occasion required an extra deep breath.

We arrived as I usually do, to women and children washing and playing at the river. My friend, Maki, was at the river and could not stop smiling at my parents. A few seconds later I was wrapped in Beta's arms. She came running down to the river to help carry our things and greet my parents. This was a moment I had been dreaming of. The next thing I saw was my mom wrapped in Beta's arms. No one in my village has taken better care of me than Beta. She is my Saamaka mother, and to see my momma hugging her was awesome. After exchanging hugs and greetings (mostly hugs because of the language barrier), we were finally in my house. My parents sat, I unpacked food, and children stared in through my door.

The next morning one of my neighbors took my dad fishing while my mom and I washed clothes and dishes at the river. Later we walked around the village and talked to lots of folks. My village is larger than some on the river, so that took a while. Everyone in my village went crazy over my parents. Women asked if my dad would take them back to America and lots more people told them to stay and that they wanted me to stay. It was touching. On Wednesday we walked through the jungle to Julie's site. The walk usually takes me about forty-five minutes, but this day it took about and hour and a half. We had to stop and talk to so many people along the way. Julie cooked a delicious lunch for us and we had a good time visiting with her. On our walk back to my site the rain came. The three of us stood huddled under my umbrella and waited for it to pass. It was quite the Kodak moment.

The rain passed and we finished the walk back to my site. We spent the rest of the afternoon entertaining children on my porch. We ate tuna melts and packed our bags to leave the next morning. As we walked to the river and loaded the boat, my parents said goodbye to their new friends and I had to hold back tears. I was overwhelmed with the thought that my parents will never see my village and those people ever again. I could not help but think as we pulled away that one day I will leave my village for the last time.

We spent the next two nights at a resort on the river. It was really nice and extremely relaxing. On Friday we went zip lining through the jungle. What an experience! We returned to the city on Saturday and my parents left early Monday morning. They had to catch the airport shuttle at three a.m. I think I was too asleep to feel really sad. I am thankful for that. I am also thankful they paid for me to stay an extra night in the hotel. I never would have imagined that lying in a hotel bed and watching HGTV could make me feel so close to America.

I have to admit that I was anxious and a little nervous for my parents visit. I cannot remember a time when my parents have relied on me for almost everything. I was the travel coordinator and translator. I was responsible for making them feel as comfortable as possible in not very comfortable environment. However, I do have to say that I am glad some of their experiences were a little uncomfortable and even slightly annoying at times. I think it gives them more perspective into my daily life here.

I feel most days as though I am not living in real life. I am in a state of disbelief. It's still shocking to me that I speak a foreign language and take baths with buckets of water on a regular basis. I was in disbelief that my parents were actually coming to Suriname, even though I knew they would. Now, I am in disbelief that our time together here has come and gone. It didn't feel like it had been almost a year since I had seen them. Fortunately, for the remainder of my service here, I will not be able to say that I have not hugged them in eleven months. I am coming home in the Fall. When I return to Suriname to complete my service, I will be in a single-digit countdown.

I am going back to site tomorrow for a couple of weeks. I don't feel ready. I was so spoiled with my parents being here. It has been nearly a year since I had that many hot showers in such a short amount of time. I am not ready for the readjustment that comes with life in the jungle for this American. I shouldn't complain. I am greeted with hugs and smiling faces every single time I return. I will try and focus on that reality.

I am so thankful for my parents visit. I am comforted by the fact that there are finally people from my life before PC that now know the people and places I have been talking about for the last eleven months. I am thankful they have a better understanding of my daily routine and what it takes to be a Volunteer in Suriname. With that said, if you know that I love you or even that I like you a little bit, come visit!

Momma and Daddy, 


Thank y'all for spending more money than you ever thought you would to come sleep in a tiny house in the jungle, in a not very comfortable bed, after you washed the jungle sweat away with a cold bucket of water. Thank you for being patient with cultural differences and moments of awkwardness and discomfort. Thanks for doing your best to speak the local language. I think with a few more days y'all would have mastered it. I hope y'all learned a lot from your trip. It was a joy to experience things for the first time again with y'all. I hope y'all have a better understanding and a deeper appreciation for what Peace Corps Volunteers around the world are giving their lives to support for twenty-seven months. I hope you saw how honored I am to call myself a part of that group. I cannot say how thankful I am for your investment in this trip and in this dream of mine. 


More love than the miles between us, 
Brooke

The Time Has Come

My parents made it safely to Suriname. I went to meet them at the airport, and I do not think I have ever been hugged that tightly in my entire life. It was great. They've met most of the other Volunteers and eaten a couple of delicious things. Thanks to their visit, I am able to stay at a nice hotel and take hot showers (of which I have had four. In three days). Life is especially good at the moment.

Tomorrow we head out to Malobi. It's finally time for the three of us to make the trek out to my site. I cannot believe it. I am anxious, excited, and completely ready to see my parents in my house and meeting my villagers. It's safe to go ahead and say that each of our lives will be changed because of their experience in Malobi and the Amazon.

I cannot wait to share all of our experiences and adventures after the next week. Wish us luck and say a prayer!