Hope. Joy. Fear.

The reality of life after college has set it hard lately, and I miss having friends close by. The fact that seeing friends now requires planning, time off from jobs, lots of money, and in some cases a plane ticket, is definitely a change. I spent this past Saturday and Sunday with one of my favorite people in the whole world, Mallory Brown. She lives in Seattle now and I had not seen her since August. After a few minutes of being with each other, it felt as though she'd never left. I am so happy she was able to come back to Mississippi for a few days. 

My life has changed a lot since I last saw Mallory and her family and I was greeted with hugs and well wishes for my future plans. Mallory and I talked a lot about my excitement as well as my fears concerning my future in the Peace Corps. I definitely feel as though this huge change is still sinking in, but as my departure date gets closer my imagination and thoughts run wild as to what my life is going to be like in Suriname. 

Most of the things I am excited and hopeful for are also some of the things I fear. I cannot wait to meet the other folks that I will be training and living with for the first few months. I cannot wait to see Suriname and its people in person. I am excited to learn another language and communicate with the people I will serve. I am ready for this decision to become real, and at the same time, I find myself nervous to meet my host family and fellow PC trainees, nervous that I will never be able to speak Dutch at an adequate level (Seriously, Dutch?), and dreading those days of loneliness that I know are waiting for me. Still, my excitement overshadows my fears and at the end of each day I am still overwhelmed with joy for this opportunity.

I guess I should discuss my one true fear. My only really real fear is the fear that I have had since I decided I would submit an application to the Peace Corps. I knew before I filled out the application that if I received an invitation it would be to serve in a country with larger spiders than I have ever had to encounter here. That's it. That's my fear and I was asked to potentially live and serve in a rainforest in South America. Damn it, I knew it. Anyone that knows me and my fear of spiders knows that it borders on unhealthy. If there is a spider in a corner 20 feet away, I'll see it if it so much as blinks. They are not just something creepy that kinda bothers me, I want to throw up when I see one. I want them dead, but I am too afraid to go near them to squish them. They terrify me. As I was researching Suriname and reading blogs I found written by current PC Volunteers, I found what I knew I would find. Tarantulas live in Suriname. One blog I read said the easiest way to kill them is with a machete. Seriously, a machete? That means the stupid things are the size of a small rabbit or something. I've never killed anything that could not be stepped on. I am afraid to step on a spider, and in the next few months I am going to kill one with a weapon. Geez. 

I find myself praying and hoping for things I never thought would be a part of my life. I know the time is coming when I will bathe in a river (probably while I wash my clothes and dishes at the same time), speak Dutch, not talked to my momma, and kill a tarantula all in the same day. 

If you love me, pray for me. Pray for the people and the community that I will serve, and pray for the day that I meet a tarantula in person, in real life. Pray for me (because prayers for the spiders are a waste of time).